When I sat down to write this week’s post, I knew I wanted to write about labels. I wanted to write about how labels get a bad rap when they can actually help us live authentic lives. But, shortly after putting pen to paper (fingers to keyboard?), my Pollyanna-ish view of labels turned into a short-lived pipe dream. And it all happened on Instagram. (Side note: did you know The SLiP is on insta? You do now!)
An innocent post about the Biden Administration’s budget proposal using the term “birthing person” instead of “mother” sparked some back-and-forth in the comments about labels and inclusivity. It got me thinking that maybe, in this current cultural moment, the concept of labels deserves a different kind of discussion. Specifically: who gets to decide? Seriously. Who gets to decide the labels we use in our everyday discourse? And what happens if we choose not to comply?
In May, Missouri Rep. Cori Bush used the term “birthing people” in speech and on Twitter. The pro-abortion group NARAL echoed Bush by arguing that the term “birthing people” should be used because it’s inclusive and lest we all forget, “it’s not just cis-gender women that can get pregnant and give birth.” Even Harvard Medical School uses the term on its website when talking about “maternal justice.” Irony alert: The dictionary defines “maternal” as “relating to a mother.”
Earlier this month, NPR published a “Guide to Gender Identity Terms”. “One thing to note,” the guide says at the outset, is that “Language changes.”
Well, we can’t say we weren’t warned.
The guide goes on to define terms like gender identity, cisgender, and agender. It also explains how “they/them” - despite what you were taught in grammar class in elementary school - is now acceptable as a singular pronoun. But that’s not all. In order to find out someone’s correct pronouns, we should all start by offering our own! Yes, really:
Start by giving your own – for example, "My pronouns are she/her."
"If I was introducing myself to someone, I would say, 'I'm Rodrigo. I use him pronouns. What about you?' " says Rodrigo Heng-Lehtinen, deputy executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality.
O'Hara says, "It may feel awkward at first, but eventually it just becomes another one of those get-to-know-you questions."
Do you have questions? I know I do. For starters, are we really headed towards living in a society that expects us to introduce ourselves at parties with “Hi, I’m Amanda. I use her pronouns”? Hard pass.
Who is making these rules? Who got to decide that “birthing people” was the correct label? Or, for that matter, who got to decide that “mother” was problematic and needed replacing? Was it a politician? The current administration? A non-profit group? An elite medical school? Are we supposed to be looking to institutions and governments to steer us towards acceptable language and terminology? Dear Lord, I hope not.
Here’s the thing: I don’t care if someone wants to use the term “birthing people” to describe themselves. I’ve said from day one that I’m a “live and let live” kinda gal. I just wish people on the other side of the aisle felt that way. Unfortunately, it seems like label “suggestions” usually don’t stay “suggestions” for long. It’s only a matter of time before non-compliance earns you another label: Non-inclusive. Hateful. Sexiset. Racist. Close-minded.
Case in point:
Here’s why all of this matters. Language is the bedrock of culture. Words have meanings. Two plus two equals four. Efforts to control our language equal efforts to control what is real and what isn’t. It’s always about control, and it’s a dangerous world when reality is up for grabs. And if I believe, as I do, that gender is binary and not a social construct, then where does that leave me? Should I be forced by society to use labels that are based on ideas that I reject? Should I feel pressure to offer up my preferred pronouns just to play along and keep the peace? If we’re all trying to live our authentic lives, shouldn’t I be able to say “mother” without being shamed? And no, I don’t think I should have to accept Maisie Williams’ definition of “feminist” in order to avoid being called a sexist. I also refuse to give up the term “mother” or “woman” in the context of childbirth because someone somewhere decided it was offensive and non-inclusive.
This is me standing up and saying no.
Too often, I sit on the sidelines and silently acquiesce in order to keep the peace. “Who cares,” I say to myself. “What’s the harm in just going along to get along?” Not this time. When I gave birth to my daughter last summer, my female body worked too long and too hard to let someone strip me of my mother label. I earned that thing, and I will shout it from the rooftops from now until eternity.
On A Related Note
Remember when, during the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, there was some hubbub around whether or not candidates would be willing to call themselves capitalists? In an interview on MSNBC on March 8, former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper refused to call himself a capitalist, saying, “I don’t look at myself with a label…All these labels have gotten to the point where they divide us from each other.”
His refusal to accept the label was absurd, and everyone knew it. As the owner of a business in pursuit of profit, Hickenlooper is obviously a capitalist - regardless of his political affiliation. He knew it, the media knew it, and the voters knew it. Maybe he was simply trying to pander to the base - as all politicians are wont to do. But his lack of honesty and integrity in the moment simply because he didn’t want a “label,” came across as bizarre. Why try and hide from something that’s so blatantly obvious?
The other day I was listening to a podcast in which Rian Johnson, the writer of the film ‘Knives Out,” was talking about how he approaches writing a script. He said his characters serve the story; they are defined by their actions. In other words, all of his characters must serve a purpose for pushing the plot forward. That really struck a nerve with me. At the end of the day, we’re all defined by our actions - not by our race or gender. Isn’t that the way it should be? If you operate in the marketplace in pursuit of profit, those actions make you a capitalist. If you pursue policies that expand the size and scope of government, you are a progressive! If you give birth to a tiny human, you are a mother. If you believe women are equal to men (not to oversimplify things), then congratulations - you are a feminist! And that’s all I have to say about that.
Amanda’s Media diet:
What Happens When Doctors Can’t Speak - Common Sense with Bari Weiss
The FBI’s Strange Anthrax Investigation Sheds Light on COVID Lab-Leak Theory and Fauci’s Emails - Glenn Greenwald
Once a Bastion of Free Speech, the A.C.L.U. Faces an Identity Crisis - New York Times
Last but not least, check out the new “Honestly With Bari Weiss” podcast! (Can you tell we’re fans of Bari Weiss at The SLiP? :D)
Products I’m Loving
The Banana Bright Eye Cream from OLEHENRIKSEN. Yes, I get the hype now.
Purely Elizabeth Granola. I’m OBSESSED with this stuff.
Ok, so yes, I was influenced on Instagram to check out FAWN Design. And while I definitely don’t need a fancy $169 diaper bag (not that it doesn’t look awesome), I am loving the mini-tote. It’s definitely been my go-to for running errands sans baby!
P.S. Click here for something that will make you smile.
The SLiP will return in two weeks! In the meantime, tell your friends and family to subscribe!
xoxo,
Amanda